So I've been advised to keep a diary of how I'm feeling and what's going on with me to somehow help. I can't help but morbidly think it will help explain where I am, when things get so bad that I can't cope anymore. In my mind there's only one way of keeping a diary in todays day n' age and thats in the form of a blog. So here it is, my general musings and let's see if it helps or hinders. At least I'll be able to get the stuff I think down on 'paper'.
I think I first experienced having a problem in high school when i felt low and confided in someone that I didn't feel okay, maybe it was for attention but maybe it was my first realisation that there was an issue going on. At age 15/16 who knows, it could of been the ramifications of getting bullied throughout high school and just feeling like I couldn't put up with it anymore.
Straight after College I enrolled in the army and finally figured out where I fit and what I was suited to. Prior to this there were a lot of things I knew I didn't want to be but I never knew really what I wanted to do. Things were going really well and I had my life planned out but things can't last that way for long and after an evening out I was sexually attacked. My entire world crumbled around me, I wasn't just back at square one, I was destroyed. The place I intended to stay, the place I felt safe, the place I was supposed to be was taken from me and the worst part is I've always felt it was my fault. I was too scared to stay, I had my faith in myself destroyed and I had no choice but to leave. I took drastic measures and took too many pills one evening and when everybody found out I was finally released from my heaven that had turned into hell.
This was the definitive moment that I should of known I would have a problem but even now 13 years later I still don't feel ready to admit to that. I don't feel ready to admit that it's always been a problem. It's never something I've gotten over, maybe I should of had counselling, maybe I should of taken time to recover but I just moved on and buried it beneath me. I put up with the constant nightmares and dreams about what could of been. I just knew to avoid alcohol and everyone who spent too much time with it as it hurt too much and made me feel too vulnerable and scared. I cut myself off from ever wanting anything professionally again, everything became dreams and never a reality. I would never be able to compare myself to who I was in that place, I'd always just be a broken version of that reality.
